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HRC - Confidential

To: Senator HRC
From: Speech writing dept.

Re: Audience specific draft of standard stump speech (SSP)

For your review and approval, attached are drafts of the SSP for upcoming campaign stops.

Selma Alabama – King Commemoration

"We have ta reform our government. The abuses that have gone on in the last six years -- I don' think we know the half of it yet. You know, when I walk into the Oval Office in January of 2009, I'm afraid I'm gonna lift up the rug and I'm goin' to see so much stuff uh-nder thar. . . . You know, what is it about us always havin' to clean up after people? But this is not just going to be pickin' up socks off the floor. This is going to be cleanin' up the government." 
 
http://www.michellemalkin.com/mt/oct05-tb.cgi/6716


Chicago -  National Assn of Hotel Owners Convention

"We must have reform in our government. Many abuses have occurred in the last six years – Only Ganesh can say how much. You know, when I enter the White House in January of 2009, When I turn the mattresses, I fear what I may find. You know, what it is about. How we must always ready the room for the next occupant? But this is not just going to be restocking the mini-bar. This is going to be thorough cleaning."


Dearborn – CAIR Candidates Forum

"We shall reclaim our government, Insha’Allah. The Zionists have abused the House of the Great Satan for over six years – It will be many more years before we know the extent of their web of deceit. You know, bearing Ali’s Zulfiqar I shall enter the Oval Office in January of 2009, and grasp the infidel by the hair and lift his head. You know how we must cleanse the earth of the unbelievers? But this is not just going to be cutting the neck. This shall be claiming the head of the Great Satan"


Daytona Florida – Daytona 500

"We’s gotta reform our gubmint. The abuses that have gone on fer a coon’s age -- I don't reckon we knows the half of it yit. You know, when I walk into that thar Oval Office in Janry 2009, I'm afraid I'm gonna lift up the hood and find a passel of fouled plugs. You know, what is it about we’s always havin' to git on folks to keep their engines right? But this is not just going to be ‘lil ole oil change. I’m a gonna chain it up to the come-a-long and yank the whole dang motor”.

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New - From the Makers of Carbon Offsets

 
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IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

We offer packages including: 

Caucasions (specify ‘cracker’ or ‘gringo’)
Republicans
The French 
Wealthy CEO's
Jews (Hymies, Heebs, etc)
Heterosexuals
Catholic Priests
Christians

Sample offset - How many heterosexuals does it does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  None, breeders only screw other breeders!

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A one day pass covers, company picnics, speeches, drunken days at the ball park.

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So, the next time someone says “You owe me an apology!” just show your card and say “I Owe? No, IO

(SHAMCO is a division of Sharpton Management, Inc.  -- The IO Card Protection Plans guard against legal and protest actions initiated by Sharpton Management, Inc. and any of its subsidiaries.  SHAMCO makes no warrantees, expressed or implied, regarding any protection from groups or individuals not affiliated with Sharpton Management, Inc.)

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'Gunman’s Note' A Mistake


BLACKSBURG, Va. (KR) – Papers mistakenly believed to be a suicide note left behind by Cho Seung-Hui, the Virginia Tech student responsible for the fourth largest incidence of mass murder in American history, have instead turned out to be a collection of political stump speeches, policy papers and other personal candidate correspondence the Democratic National Committee has confirmed.

The writings, which have been characterized as “disturbing”, rail against “rich kids” and denounce “debauchery” and "deceitful charlatan(s)" have been confirmed to be excerpts from John Edwards’ “Two Americas” speech, Nancy Pelosi’s “Culture of Corruption” Speech, and a letter to Al Sharpton from his mother, respectively.

The Edwards campaign was quick to distance itself from the Virginia Tech shooter declaring that “we prefer to tax people to death”. Speaker Pelosi was said to be "in the shower" and unavailable for comment by a man who only wished to be identified as Bashar. Al Sharpton has called for the immediate firing of his mother.

UPDATE: In a related story, NBC claimed to have exclusive video and notes made by Cho during the killing rampage and sent to NBC by Cho.  NBC News President Steve Capus described the nature of the notes as "incredibly difficult to follow" and "mostly threats and gibberish" and anchor Brian Williams called them "sick business".  Those notes were later discovered to be scripts from an upcoming episode of COUNTDOWN - w/ Keith Olbermann concerning Fox News' dominance of cable news ratings.   NBC has issued an explanation for the error stating "one cannot ignore the similarities between Cho's delusional rantings and the typical Olbermann commentary". 

Cho, a 23 year old English major at the university, is believed to have first shot two people in a student housing area on campus before moving to a classroom in Norris Hall and opening fire on students and teachers there. The attack left 32 victims dead. Cho was also found dead of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.

The shootings make the Blacksburg tragedy the fourth largest case of mass murder in the nation’s history. In the largest, the September 11, 2001 attacks left 2,973 dead and 24 missing. The 19 hijackers responsible died in the attacks. The second largest attack was the Oklahoma City bombing of the Murrah Federal Building by Timothy McVeigh on April 19, 1995 claiming 168 victims. McVeigh was convicted in federal court and subsequently executed for the attack. In the third largest attack 79 people, including 21 children, died in Waco, Texas at the hands of then Attorney General, Janet Reno. Reno’s current whereabouts are unknown.


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Muslim Anti-Defamation Group Demands IED Ban

HEADLINE NEWS:

DETROIT – In a surprising announcement today, America’s leading Muslim Anti-Defamation organization called for a worldwide cessation of 'IED'. usage. In calling for the ban, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) issued a press release today stating that "'IED' or 'Improvised Explosive Device', carries a negative connotation. “We are specifically offended by the word ‘Improvised’ in that it conveys the message that Muslim bombers are incapable of long term planning and preparation.” In a follow up press conference, which reporters “attended” via video-link, CAIR spokesman Ibrahim Hooper said While Muslims (peace be upon them) do pride themselves for being able to assess, adapt, and overcome, we also take great pride in our long term strategic planning skills”. Hooper went on to suggest that the term “CAIR Package” would be an acceptable alternative and more reflective of the positive contributions Muslims make to world peace".

In response to the announcement, the Carter Center praised CAIR for "its ongoing efforts in increasing cultural understanding and enhancing dialog within the world community".

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“Sharpton In The Morning” To Replace Imus

BUSINESS NEWS:

NEW YORK – Just hours after radio talk show host Don Imus was killed in a tragic fire at his MSNBC Studios office, The Reverend Al Sharpton has stepped forward as a replacement host for the show. “I’ve always admired the audience share ‘The I-Man’ carried and would be proud to take over the ‘I-Microphone’”, Sharpton said.

In addition to picking up the Imus radio show, a spokesman for Sharpton Management, Inc. (SHAM) announced that effective immediately the former Imus Ranch will become The Sharpton Ranch.

Sharpton Management, Inc.  also owns Sharpton Suit Rentals, Sharpton Fashion Mart (f.k.a. Freddie’s Fashion Mart) and the Molotov Cocktails chain of drive through liquor stores.

Shares of SHAM (Nasdaq) traded up 2.75 at $17.25 on the news of the recent acquisitions.


UPDATE:

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine was seriously injured in an automobile accident yesterday while en route to a meeting with Al Sharpton and the widow of the late Don Imus.  Reports from the scene indicate that the Governor's car crashed after swerving to avoid what appeared to be a "flaming bottle" tossed from the window of an unidentified vehicle.  Police have released a partial license plate number (REV -A__) from the unidentified vehicle and are asking for citizens help in tracking down car.

The Reverend Al Sharpton has been named "Acting Governor" while Corzine remains hospitalized. 


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CAIR Plans Million Imam March


COMMUNITY NEWS:

With hopes of building on the wildly popular 6 Imam Flight, The Council on American Islamic Relations, borrowing the theme from the Million Mom March and the Million Man March, is planning to hold the first annual Million Imam March this June. CAIR National Communications Director and WIED Radio’s wacky morning show personality, Ibrahim “Dearborn Doug” Hooper will emcee the event and promises it will be “chock full of entertainment, games, prizes and surprises that are sure to be a hit with Imams of all ages”. The event, financed by US Airways through the American Bar Association will include:

Celebrities -
The Fabulous Flying Imams - who are kicking off their reunion tour 
Comic Muqtada al-Sadr fresh from Iran via Las Vagas.

Games -
"Musical Chairs in US Air”
“Button Button, Who Has the Button”
“Stone the Shameful Hussy” (participants are asked to bring their own stones and women)
“Pin the Manuscript on the Infidel Playwright”

Prizes -
Mohammed Atta autographed copy of SkyMall catalog
Genuine pieces of World Trade Center rubble
Cat Stevens Greatest Hits CD

Booths -
Food
Refreshments
Female Genital Mutilation

Hooper, conceding a million Imams is an ambitious target, commented: “When we wanted to book a half of a dozen Imams for the 6 Imams Flight, they said it couldn’t be done. Well, we got that far and now we only need 999,994 more!” Hedging his bets, Hooper continued, “If we fall a few short it will still be an explosive event!



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Dhimmitude (to Hey Jude)

Dhimmitude,
Don't be afraid,
If we behave,
They'll kill us last.

Remember, to stick your head in the sand.
Then you won't miss it,
When it starts rolling, Rolling, ROLLING ahhhhhhhh!

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah,
Nah nah nah nah,
Dhimmitude!


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Middle East-Side Story

Sharia, Sharia, Sharia, Sharia …
Sharia,
We just got a law named Sharia
And suddenly, mister
I'm allowed to kill my sister
You see.

Sharia,
You can’t bare your knee in Sharia
Lest you be led to slaughter
Like my husband did our daughter
Last week.


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Feds Raid - O'Donnell to be Charged

BREAKING NEWS:

NEW YORK – Acting on a tip from a concerned citizen, federal agents conducted an early morning raid on the home of television talk show host Rosie O’Donnell today and apparently seized a large amount of evidence. Sources say that the raid was the result of a tip from one Johnny Greedo, a pizza delivery driver who, while making a delivery, reported seeing a thin and scantily clad woman chained to a column in the O’Donnell home. Suspecting a possible kidnapping, Greedo phoned the local FBI Field office.  “Clearly, that woman wasn’t getting ANY of the 15 pizzas per day I delivered there”, Greedo later told reporters.

Unconfirmed reports are that O’Donnell faces charges for violations of the Exotic Animal Protection Act for the large adult Dathomirian Rancor found living in her basement. The Rancor, along with several tons of Bantha fodder, was seen being removed from the premises and is believed to have been transported to the New York Zoo until it can be released back to the wild. Initial charges of unlawful imprisonment of the chained woman were dropped when it was learned that the woman was, in fact, O’Donnell’s wife.

O’Donnell is reportedly under house arrest while authorities, working with the Army Corps of Engineers and the New York Port Authority, arrange for her extraction and transportation to a suitable holding facility.

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Christ to Return - Dobson Declines Meeting

 
COLORADO SPRINGS -- The archangel Gabriel confirmed today that Jesus Christ has scheduled a brief return to the earthly realm during the 2007 Easter holiday. Gabriel emphasized that this will not be the much awaited second coming of Christ and characterized the visit as "merely a mixture of a pleasure trip, and a fact finding mission for His Father, God".

While religious leaders from many faiths and denominations around the globe have been scrambling to prepare for His visit, The Kilroy Report has learned that James Dobson, founder of the Christian group Focus on the Family has declined a meeting with the Son of God. When questioned about the decision Dobson responded, “"Everyone knows He's conservative and He has come out strongly for the things that the pro-family movement stands for; I don't think He's a Christian”. Supporting Dobson’s claim, Focus on the Family spokesman Gary Schneeberger said that Dobson "has never known (Christ) to be a committed Christian—someone who talks openly about Himself."

The group later issued a statement stating that a “scheduling conflict” was to blame, explaining that  Dobson had already planned on meeting with potential presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich that weekend. Dobson has recently praised Gingrich as the "brightest guy out there."

While reporters pressed Gabriel for a detailed itinerary the Messenger of God refused to be nailed down. One location he did rule out for a visit is the site of the former Garden of Eden in what was Mesopotamia (now Iraq). Citing security concerns, Gabriel offered, “What? Jesus is a meshugener? They've really let that place go to Hell”.




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“Sewage Tsunami” in Gaza - Property Values Poised to Soar


GAZA STRIP – In its continuing efforts to improve the everyday lives of Palestinians, the Hamas Movement today has announced the opening of the new Sewage Tsunami Theme Park in Gaza. Park manager Ibn Eidn Renuuzit, citing strong attendance numbers for the opening weekend said “we aren’t quite up there with Six Flags Over The Great Satan but we are confident in our eventual success, Insha’Allah

The theme park is the first of its kind for this tiny strip of land but its proximity to popular Mediterranean beach resorts promises to bring much needed tourist dollars to this impoverished area.

The grand opening wasn’t without a few hitches as several park goers drowned in the Wave Pool of Raw Sewage attraction when the ride malfunctioned. The resulting deluge threw some riders from their boogie boards and into the adjacent Cesspool of Foul-Smelling Effluent ride.

But by day two the crowds were back and, while the tourist numbers haven’t quite picked up yet, the locals are enjoying the excitement of a novel approach to entertainment for this small town. Said eight year old, Yasser Osama Olbermann, “this sure beats going to school and learning how to detonate suicide vests”. His indulgent mother just smiled and rubbed his head saying, “you have your fun today, little one, but tomorrow it’s back to your studies”. “Awwww, mom” beamed back young Yasser.

According to Renuuzit, the park offers single day admission tickets only and has no plans for offering season long packages adding, “there is just no market here for long term commitments, I guess”.

 

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Penn Calls for Unity

OAKLAND – The boisterous crowd at the Grand Lake Theatre fell into a disappointed silence this evening as Rep. Barbara Lee brought guest speaker Sean Penn to the stage at this, the 1,460th Daily Peace Now Rally. “We thought we was getting the chubby funny one, not the skinny one what doesn’t talk and all” complained audience member Brad Hamilton, who traveled from London for the event. The confusion was apparently widespread as the audience was expecting to see famed Illusionist Penn Jillette of comedy duo Penn and Teller, then mistook Sean Penn for the slim and silent Teller.

The Oscar winning actor gave it the old Hollywood try as he tried to warm the audience back up first by apologizing for being late “Just couldn't make it on time. Well, there's like a full crowd scene at the food line”.

Penn then made a call for national unity by proposing a peace summit between the Bush Administration and Hollywood: “Hey, Bud, -- "You and your smarmy pundits -- and the smarmy pundits you have in your pocket, and us and our smarmy pundits, let's party!"

This apparent olive branch to the much hated George Bush did little to win over the Peace Now crowd including Mr. Hamilton, who was escorted from the room after shouting “Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your arse!”.

Not to be daunted, Penn responded "Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we'll just be bogus too."

In light of the violent mood, the meeting was called to an abrupt close with the clearly disappointed crowd grumbling on their way out. Local resident Maxine Waters offered, “I can’t believe I came here to listen to this doped up cracker – I missed Amazing Race for this?”

Others were more philosophical. Mike Damone of Ventura said “me and my friend caught the 524th and they had this Grateful Dead tribute band, it was awesome. And Susan Sarandon flashed us from the podium at the 789th. It was wicked funny -- I guess they can't all be good”. Even Mr. Hamilton seemed to take it all in stride “Sure, I flew 5,000 miles for this but I am here for a fortnight, after all. It’s not like I can’t catch Monday’s show” referring to the 1,461st Daily Peace Rally to be held tomorrow.

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Despite Tragedy, Edwards Hair Still in Race


DES MOINES -- Just hours after tragedy cut short John Edwards’ run for the Democrat nomination in Iowa, the Edwards campaign announced that the candidate’s hair will “definitely stay in the race”.

In making the announcement, Jose Eber, Edwards' Senior Domestic Policy Advisor,  reinforced the theme of the campaign, "One of the reasons that John wanted to be president of the United States is to make sure that every woman and every person in America gets access to the same products that he has, whatever the expense”. Edwards’ plan would require employers to provide universal hair care to all individuals at a cost of $90 billion to $120 billion. “While John is unable to continue, his hair will serve as an inspiration to both Americas”, Eber said.

Edwards himself suffered massive brain trauma and remains in intensive care at Des Moines Medical Center following a day of turmoil on the campaign trail. What began as a typical meet, greet and stump speech, ended with both the candidate and a supporter hospitalized. Initial reports from the scene were that, during the Edwards’ speech,  a supporter collapsed. Emergency medical technicians were on site for the event and quickly moved to transport the patient to nearby DMC. As the ambulance drove away, Edwards suddenly leaped from the platform and sprinted after it. The two collided when the vehicle made a sudden stop. Supporters on the scene looked on in horror as their candidate crumbled to the ground. One witness, who wished only to be identified as Madge, said Edwards “just lit up and took off like a greyhound -- I guess it was just instinct taking over”.

Edwards’ hair was treated, rinsed, and released to resume the campaign.



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Record Sized Fossil Found


HASBINISTAN – June 12, 25435

In what has been hailed as the greatest archaeological find since the uncovering of the White House, an expedition from the University of Tehran has discovered the fossilized imprint of the largest carbon footprint ever located. The carbon footprint, found in a remote region of Hasbinistan that was formerly known as Carthage Tennessee, is believed to belong to the species Allagorus Globalwarmus. Professor Mahmoud Achtungitzjihad, who led the project, said of the find, “this is by far the most fascinating discovery in my career. The span of this footprint by far exceeds anything we’ve ever seen and it is so well preserved thanks to the large base of zinc deposits that cover the area.

Prior to the Allagorus fossil, the largest carbon footprint specimen had also been located in Hasbinistan in an area east of the Carthage site known the Raleigh site. At that dig, a huge carbon footprint recorded the nesting place of the Breckus Girlus species. Together, both the Breckus Girlus and the Allagorus Globalwarmus are believed to have brought about the demise of the Western Imperialist Dynasty by consuming vast quantities of resources.  "These two literally sucked the life out of this entire vast region until it eventually withered and died", Actungitzjihad said.

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Little Orphan Nancy

 We’ll re-in-force you -- tomorrow
Better don your Kevlar till -- tomorrow,
Then help will come.

We won’t be restrained -- tomorrow
In Okinawa or Bahrain -- tomorrow
Once training’s done.

We only hate Bush, (that lush) you’ll see!
John Murtha’s our man, (the plan?) slow bleed!

The surge will deploy -- tomorrow
We’ll whoop ‘em (like we did Hanoi) -- tomorrow
Support will come.

Whatever you need -- tomorrow
How ‘bout that soldier on TV? -- tomorrow
An Army of one?.

Tomorrow, tomorrow
They’ll deploy -- tomorrow
It’s only a day away

Tomorrow, tomorrow
They’ll deploy -- tomorrow
It’s always a day a-wayyyy!


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