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Fuzzy Dice, Guns and Wedding Rings

NEWS BRIEFS –

JUAREZ, MEXICO - Osvaldo Aldrete Davila, the drug runner shot by Border Patrol agents while attempting to evade arrest for smuggling 700 pounds of marijuana into the U.S., has finally spoken out about the imprisonment of the agents convicted in the shooting, as well as his $5 million lawsuit against the United States Government. In an exclusive interview with The Kilroy Report, Davila offered that while the 10-12 year prison sentences the Border Patrol agents received was excessive, the $5 million he seeks is justified to cover his damages. “They shattered my urethra and now I can’t get no R-E-S-P-E-C-T”, said Davila. In addition to his CD collection, also damaged in the shooting was a pair of fuzzy dice and a little doggie in the back window with his head that goes up and down

BENTONVILLE, AR – Retailing giant Walmart has announced the lowest monthly sales figures since the company’s opening some 27 years ago. While company officials did expect a turnaround in coming months, they also said that they may need to offer more incentives to get customers into their stores. “It’s not like we can put a gun to their heads”, said a Walmart spokesman.

WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Treasury Department has announced that Federal revenue collections hit a record level in April – the highest since the government’s opening some 230 years ago. The U.S. Government is seen to be Walmart’s largest competitor for the consumer dollar. Officials credit confiscatory tax rates, niggling fees, and fear for the increased revenues. “It helps that we can put a gun to their heads” said Treasury Department spokesman Paul E. Walnuts.

COLUMBIA, SC – Federal prosecutors here arrested over a dozen, and charges are pending against others in what has been characterized as a “sham marriage ring”. "The allegations are that this was a ring, a conspiracy, to engage in fraudulent marriages," said Assistant U.S. Attorney Kevin McDonald. "They did not reside together as husband and wife, and had no intention of residing together," the indictment states. “There is simply no room in the United States for sham marriages. Upon conviction of the charge of conspiracy, each person would face up to five years in prison or four to eight years in the White House”, McDonald said.


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Gazillions Flock to Obama Rally

 
GREENBURG – Against the backdrop of near total devastation, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama’s visit to what remains of this small Kansas town drew over a gazillion supporters. The massive crowd audaciously challenged the capacity of Mel’s Citgo Station, the last remaining structure in Greenburg, after a monstrous level 62 tornado flattened the entire town. Fire marshals temporarily waived the 40 person capacity restriction to accommodate a wave of humanity that dwarfed the pre-tornado population of the town. As Greenburg began it is cleanup operation, Obama’s campaign cleaned up too by raising an estimated $72,000,0000,000,000 in a door to door fundraising drive in a town with only one door left standing.

Obama’s visit drew some criticism when he, in an apparent attempt to disparage the Bush Administration for the tragedy, exaggerated the death toll from the tornado. The candidate cited “ten thousand people” killed while the actual death toll was 12. Shrugging it off as a gaffe Obama said “Yeah, I was off by what, 5 or 10 percent, so what? It was a long day, I was tired, there are going to be times when I get weary. There are going to be times when I make mistakes. We’re just gonna have to have the audacity to hope that those times outweigh the times I don’t make mistakes, or vice versa -- whatever”.

Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) rose to Obama's defense saying, "Nine of one, half dozen of the other.  So he's not articulate, he's still clean and bright and 5 out of 3 ain't bad". 


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Clintons Disagree on Pullout Dates


DECISION 2008:

CHAPPAQUA – As war rages in Iraq, a private dispute could prove to have quite a public impact on the race for the 2008 Democratic Presidential nomination. At a private party attended by “large dollar supporters” held in their Chappaqua, New York home, former President Bill Clinton accused Senator Hillary Clinton of flip-flopping on the issue of a pullout date. Bill Clinton, who was Commander in Chief during the military action in Kosovo claimed that Mrs. Clinton gave tacit support of the notion of pullout dates throughout his presidency. “It was always assumed that there would be a pullout date – I just never operated without one”, Mr. Clinton said. With her own nomination on the line though, Senator Clinton has been reluctant to endorse the idea this time around while at the same time trying to minimize the dispute saying she “didn’t want the question of dates to get all blown out of proportion”.

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Love Iranian Style

THE HEZBOLLAH ENQUIRER
CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS:

TEHRAN – Move over Brangelina, step aside Tomkat, make room for ‘Najmoud’! Iran’s hottest new couple is President Mahmoud Ahmadinejhad and his (gasp!) former teacher, Najmeh Gholi Pour. The flashbulbs have been have been exploding like Palestinians in a Tel Aviv pizza parlor ever since paparazzi caught the off guard Prez and his Persian kitten canoodling in Qom. But it is obvious that it is Pour who has the President purring as they playfully frolic like two teenagers on a recent visit to the Shahr-e Bazi amusement park.

The two lovebirds recently became reunited at a Teachers Day celebration and immediately picked up where they left off some 40 years ago when young Mahmoud was one of Pour’s students. The 93 year old Pour began her teaching career after a brief stint as a swimsuit model and is reportedly the inspiration behind Van Halen’s hit song “Hot for Teacher”.

Don’t expect wedding bells yet though as Ahmadinejhad has not entirely broken off his affair with Moshe Aryeh Friedman. Friedman’s wife recently filed for divorce after the 2006 Annual Holocaust Denial Conference in Tehran where the two "came out"  by declaring “some things can be denied, but not the way we feel about each other”. Friends of Friedman report that he’s “absolutely devastated” that the Iranian President is being so public with his new flame but has vowed to try to save the affair stating, “I won’t quit him”.

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Harry Reid To Retire

SEARCHLIGHT, Nevada -- Sen. Harry Reid rocked the boxing world today by announcing that he will not be renewing his annual membership at the Henderson Boys Club, the facility he’s trained and sparred at since he began his boxing career as a youth.

Reid’s retirement caps off an amateur boxing career spanning 50 years in which he fought in numerous exhibition bouts as a middleweight. Reid’s boxing style was considered unique in that he never adopted the typical bob and weave method of defense and would instead dive face first to the ring floor and lay prone to the nine count. The unusual move earned him a huge fan base including Tom Dashle, who would later become Reid’s fellow Senator. "The floor (was) Harry's turf", Dashle recalled. Early in his career Reid was tagged with the nickname “Pinky” for the pinkish hue his cheeks would take on because of an acute allergic reaction to the canvas floor of the ring. “I might have gotten pink cheeks but I never got a bloody nose” Reid has been known to boast.

Reid also became known for “trash-talking” his opponents; a practice he took off of the ring floor and onto the Senate floor. In recent years Reid has come under fire for calling Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas “an embarrassment” and Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan “a political hack”. Most recently he called the military offensive in Iraq “lost”. Reid defended his comments by citing his boxing career stats of 0-wins, 0-losses, 43-forfeitures saying “I’ve never lost a fight but I know what a loser looks like”.

On his decision to retire from boxing Reid said, “It’s time I devote my energies to achieving the most important forfeiture I've faced. That is the forfeiture of this so called 'war on terror'”.


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CBS-NBC Get A New Style

NEW YORK – In what industry insiders say was an unprecedented display of cooperation and collaboration between two giant competitors, CBS and NBC announced today sweeping changes to be made to their Stylebooks. Stylebooks are the internal “rules of the road” that publishing, media, and broadcasting companies develop to achieve uniformity throughout their publications and broadcasts.  They and also attempt to head-off potential legal issues by regulating terminology.  What makes the CBS-NBC partnership so unusual is that Stylebooks typically are unique to an organization and help in creating a “brand identity”.

The surprise announcement, made just weeks after both CBS and NBC fired radio personality Don Imus and producer Bernard McGuirk for on-air comments jokingly referring to the Rutgers girls basketball team as “some hardcore hos”, appear to be a rapid response to a comment made yesterday by McGuirk on The Fox News Channel's Hannity and Colmes show.  In the Fox interview, McGuirk claimed that the whole controversy could have been avoided but that he “never got the memo that the word ‘ho’ was no longer allowed or I would have said ‘The H-word’ instead.”

Released copies of the revised CBS-NBC Stylebook state the following new rules: 

    “Effectively immediately, ONLY the following approved words and phrases may be used by CBS-NBC staff in ANY and ALL broadcast, published, telephone or face-to-face conversation, whether of a personal or professional nature:”

A.) “The A-word”; “Al”
B.) “The B-word”
C.) “The C-word”
D.) “The D-word
E.) “The E-word”
F.) “The F-word”
G.) “The G-word”
H.) “The H-word”
I.) “The I-word”
J.) “The J-word”
K.) “The K-word”
L.) “The L-word”
M.) “The M-word”
N.) “The N-word”
O.) “The O-word”
P.) “The P-word”
Q.) “The Q-word”
R.) “The R-word”
S.) “The S-word”; “Sharpton”; “SHAMCO”; “Sharpton Management, Inc."
T.) “The T-word”
U.) “The U-word”
V.) “The V-word”
W.) “The W-word”
X.) “The X-word”
Y.) “The Y-word”
Z.) “The Z-word”

“Alternatively, the employee may forgo the long version, substituting with alphabetical abbreviations”

In an attempt to clarify the new Stylebook rules, NBC President, Steve Capus released the following statement:

W A NBC C T P A H V O S J A D I T W P, T W D I N T C T H SB I C W CBS. W W T T Al Sharpton F H T W I P C R. S A T B A Al Sharpton I H E, NBC A CBS W D $1,000,000 T Sharpton Management, Inc.

TY,

SC
P NBC

Industry analysts predict that the Stylebook changes may present some challenges to the two networks in their television broadcasts but were optimistic that the newly announced NBC and CBS News Text Message broadcasts may find a market niche with younger audiences.


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HRC - Confidential

To: Senator HRC
From: Speech writing dept.

Re: Audience specific draft of standard stump speech (SSP)

For your review and approval, attached are drafts of the SSP for upcoming campaign stops.

Selma Alabama – King Commemoration

"We have ta reform our government. The abuses that have gone on in the last six years -- I don' think we know the half of it yet. You know, when I walk into the Oval Office in January of 2009, I'm afraid I'm gonna lift up the rug and I'm goin' to see so much stuff uh-nder thar. . . . You know, what is it about us always havin' to clean up after people? But this is not just going to be pickin' up socks off the floor. This is going to be cleanin' up the government." 
 
http://www.michellemalkin.com/mt/oct05-tb.cgi/6716


Chicago -  National Assn of Hotel Owners Convention

"We must have reform in our government. Many abuses have occurred in the last six years – Only Ganesh can say how much. You know, when I enter the White House in January of 2009, When I turn the mattresses, I fear what I may find. You know, what it is about. How we must always ready the room for the next occupant? But this is not just going to be restocking the mini-bar. This is going to be thorough cleaning."


Dearborn – CAIR Candidates Forum

"We shall reclaim our government, Insha’Allah. The Zionists have abused the House of the Great Satan for over six years – It will be many more years before we know the extent of their web of deceit. You know, bearing Ali’s Zulfiqar I shall enter the Oval Office in January of 2009, and grasp the infidel by the hair and lift his head. You know how we must cleanse the earth of the unbelievers? But this is not just going to be cutting the neck. This shall be claiming the head of the Great Satan"


Daytona Florida – Daytona 500

"We’s gotta reform our gubmint. The abuses that have gone on fer a coon’s age -- I don't reckon we knows the half of it yit. You know, when I walk into that thar Oval Office in Janry 2009, I'm afraid I'm gonna lift up the hood and find a passel of fouled plugs. You know, what is it about we’s always havin' to git on folks to keep their engines right? But this is not just going to be ‘lil ole oil change. I’m a gonna chain it up to the come-a-long and yank the whole dang motor”.

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New - From the Makers of Carbon Offsets

 
**ADVERTISEMENT**

IO – Apply directly after insult
IO – Apply directly after insult
IO – Apply directly after insult


Ever find yourself shunned by ‘decent’ society, in danger of losing your job, the victim of a harassment lawsuit for just a slip of the tongue or a bad joke?

YOU NEED “Insult Offsets”!

Yes, NEW from SHAMCO, (the people who brought you Carbon Offsets) comes the ultimate in protection. Here’s how it works!

For every joke, insult, derogatory rant or offensive utterance you make against a protected class, TWO offsetting insults will be made, in your name, against an unprotected group. Simply show your “IO Card” upon making the offending remark and dial the toll free number on the card to activate your “Insult Offset”.

IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

We offer packages including: 

Caucasions (specify ‘cracker’ or ‘gringo’)
Republicans
The French 
Wealthy CEO's
Jews (Hymies, Heebs, etc)
Heterosexuals
Catholic Priests
Christians

Sample offset - How many heterosexuals does it does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  None, breeders only screw other breeders!

We offer protection plans priced for every budget:

A one day pass covers, company picnics, speeches, drunken days at the ball park.

Seasonal and multiyear passes are available that will cover "contract periods", campaign cycles, etc.

Get added protection with our Premium Plan! – need minority “friends” to speak up in your behalf but don’t have any? Not to worry, we’ll provide the appropriate “lifelong friend” to fit any occasion!

PARENTS – Don’t let mistakes become a part of your child’s permanent record. Get the Student IO Card today! This is protection your child can’t get from the school nurse!

Here’s what others are saying about The IO Card:

Don from New York: “Never again, will I get caught with my pants down and Al Sharpton peeking over my shoulder – I’m getting The IO Card today!”

Michael from Los Angeles: “I used to have a successful career in stand-up comedy, now I live behind the dumpster at Olive Garden -- you can believe I am saving up for my IO Card!”

So, the next time someone says “You owe me an apology!” just show your card and say “I Owe? No, IO

(SHAMCO is a division of Sharpton Management, Inc.  -- The IO Card Protection Plans guard against legal and protest actions initiated by Sharpton Management, Inc. and any of its subsidiaries.  SHAMCO makes no warrantees, expressed or implied, regarding any protection from groups or individuals not affiliated with Sharpton Management, Inc.)

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'Gunman’s Note' A Mistake


BLACKSBURG, Va. (KR) – Papers mistakenly believed to be a suicide note left behind by Cho Seung-Hui, the Virginia Tech student responsible for the fourth largest incidence of mass murder in American history, have instead turned out to be a collection of political stump speeches, policy papers and other personal candidate correspondence the Democratic National Committee has confirmed.

The writings, which have been characterized as “disturbing”, rail against “rich kids” and denounce “debauchery” and "deceitful charlatan(s)" have been confirmed to be excerpts from John Edwards’ “Two Americas” speech, Nancy Pelosi’s “Culture of Corruption” Speech, and a letter to Al Sharpton from his mother, respectively.

The Edwards campaign was quick to distance itself from the Virginia Tech shooter declaring that “we prefer to tax people to death”. Speaker Pelosi was said to be "in the shower" and unavailable for comment by a man who only wished to be identified as Bashar. Al Sharpton has called for the immediate firing of his mother.

UPDATE: In a related story, NBC claimed to have exclusive video and notes made by Cho during the killing rampage and sent to NBC by Cho.  NBC News President Steve Capus described the nature of the notes as "incredibly difficult to follow" and "mostly threats and gibberish" and anchor Brian Williams called them "sick business".  Those notes were later discovered to be scripts from an upcoming episode of COUNTDOWN - w/ Keith Olbermann concerning Fox News' dominance of cable news ratings.   NBC has issued an explanation for the error stating "one cannot ignore the similarities between Cho's delusional rantings and the typical Olbermann commentary". 

Cho, a 23 year old English major at the university, is believed to have first shot two people in a student housing area on campus before moving to a classroom in Norris Hall and opening fire on students and teachers there. The attack left 32 victims dead. Cho was also found dead of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.

The shootings make the Blacksburg tragedy the fourth largest case of mass murder in the nation’s history. In the largest, the September 11, 2001 attacks left 2,973 dead and 24 missing. The 19 hijackers responsible died in the attacks. The second largest attack was the Oklahoma City bombing of the Murrah Federal Building by Timothy McVeigh on April 19, 1995 claiming 168 victims. McVeigh was convicted in federal court and subsequently executed for the attack. In the third largest attack 79 people, including 21 children, died in Waco, Texas at the hands of then Attorney General, Janet Reno. Reno’s current whereabouts are unknown.


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Muslim Anti-Defamation Group Demands IED Ban

HEADLINE NEWS:

DETROIT – In a surprising announcement today, America’s leading Muslim Anti-Defamation organization called for a worldwide cessation of 'IED'. usage. In calling for the ban, the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) issued a press release today stating that "'IED' or 'Improvised Explosive Device', carries a negative connotation. “We are specifically offended by the word ‘Improvised’ in that it conveys the message that Muslim bombers are incapable of long term planning and preparation.” In a follow up press conference, which reporters “attended” via video-link, CAIR spokesman Ibrahim Hooper said While Muslims (peace be upon them) do pride themselves for being able to assess, adapt, and overcome, we also take great pride in our long term strategic planning skills”. Hooper went on to suggest that the term “CAIR Package” would be an acceptable alternative and more reflective of the positive contributions Muslims make to world peace".

In response to the announcement, the Carter Center praised CAIR for "its ongoing efforts in increasing cultural understanding and enhancing dialog within the world community".

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“Sharpton In The Morning” To Replace Imus

BUSINESS NEWS:

NEW YORK – Just hours after radio talk show host Don Imus was killed in a tragic fire at his MSNBC Studios office, The Reverend Al Sharpton has stepped forward as a replacement host for the show. “I’ve always admired the audience share ‘The I-Man’ carried and would be proud to take over the ‘I-Microphone’”, Sharpton said.

In addition to picking up the Imus radio show, a spokesman for Sharpton Management, Inc. (SHAM) announced that effective immediately the former Imus Ranch will become The Sharpton Ranch.

Sharpton Management, Inc.  also owns Sharpton Suit Rentals, Sharpton Fashion Mart (f.k.a. Freddie’s Fashion Mart) and the Molotov Cocktails chain of drive through liquor stores.

Shares of SHAM (Nasdaq) traded up 2.75 at $17.25 on the news of the recent acquisitions.


UPDATE:

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine was seriously injured in an automobile accident yesterday while en route to a meeting with Al Sharpton and the widow of the late Don Imus.  Reports from the scene indicate that the Governor's car crashed after swerving to avoid what appeared to be a "flaming bottle" tossed from the window of an unidentified vehicle.  Police have released a partial license plate number (REV -A__) from the unidentified vehicle and are asking for citizens help in tracking down car.

The Reverend Al Sharpton has been named "Acting Governor" while Corzine remains hospitalized. 


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CAIR Plans Million Imam March


COMMUNITY NEWS:

With hopes of building on the wildly popular 6 Imam Flight, The Council on American Islamic Relations, borrowing the theme from the Million Mom March and the Million Man March, is planning to hold the first annual Million Imam March this June. CAIR National Communications Director and WIED Radio’s wacky morning show personality, Ibrahim “Dearborn Doug” Hooper will emcee the event and promises it will be “chock full of entertainment, games, prizes and surprises that are sure to be a hit with Imams of all ages”. The event, financed by US Airways through the American Bar Association will include:

Celebrities -
The Fabulous Flying Imams - who are kicking off their reunion tour 
Comic Muqtada al-Sadr fresh from Iran via Las Vagas.

Games -
"Musical Chairs in US Air”
“Button Button, Who Has the Button”
“Stone the Shameful Hussy” (participants are asked to bring their own stones and women)
“Pin the Manuscript on the Infidel Playwright”

Prizes -
Mohammed Atta autographed copy of SkyMall catalog
Genuine pieces of World Trade Center rubble
Cat Stevens Greatest Hits CD

Booths -
Food
Refreshments
Female Genital Mutilation

Hooper, conceding a million Imams is an ambitious target, commented: “When we wanted to book a half of a dozen Imams for the 6 Imams Flight, they said it couldn’t be done. Well, we got that far and now we only need 999,994 more!” Hedging his bets, Hooper continued, “If we fall a few short it will still be an explosive event!



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Dhimmitude (to Hey Jude)

Dhimmitude,
Don't be afraid,
If we behave,
They'll kill us last.

Remember, to stick your head in the sand.
Then you won't miss it,
When it starts rolling, Rolling, ROLLING ahhhhhhhh!

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah,
Nah nah nah nah,
Dhimmitude!


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Middle East-Side Story

Sharia, Sharia, Sharia, Sharia …
Sharia,
We just got a law named Sharia
And suddenly, mister
I'm allowed to kill my sister
You see.

Sharia,
You can’t bare your knee in Sharia
Lest you be led to slaughter
Like my husband did our daughter
Last week.


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Feds Raid - O'Donnell to be Charged

BREAKING NEWS:

NEW YORK – Acting on a tip from a concerned citizen, federal agents conducted an early morning raid on the home of television talk show host Rosie O’Donnell today and apparently seized a large amount of evidence. Sources say that the raid was the result of a tip from one Johnny Greedo, a pizza delivery driver who, while making a delivery, reported seeing a thin and scantily clad woman chained to a column in the O’Donnell home. Suspecting a possible kidnapping, Greedo phoned the local FBI Field office.  “Clearly, that woman wasn’t getting ANY of the 15 pizzas per day I delivered there”, Greedo later told reporters.

Unconfirmed reports are that O’Donnell faces charges for violations of the Exotic Animal Protection Act for the large adult Dathomirian Rancor found living in her basement. The Rancor, along with several tons of Bantha fodder, was seen being removed from the premises and is believed to have been transported to the New York Zoo until it can be released back to the wild. Initial charges of unlawful imprisonment of the chained woman were dropped when it was learned that the woman was, in fact, O’Donnell’s wife.

O’Donnell is reportedly under house arrest while authorities, working with the Army Corps of Engineers and the New York Port Authority, arrange for her extraction and transportation to a suitable holding facility.

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