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Bremer Named to Clinton Campaign

Posted by Kilroy on Friday, November 09, 2007 9:52:06 AM
ELECTIONS 2008

LAUREL, MD – Ending days of speculation, Clinton 2008 Communications Director Howard Wolfson announced this morning the addition of Arthur Bremer to the campaign team. Bremer will fill the newly created position of Director of Personal Communications for Clinton 2008. The announcement signaled the close of a bidding war (among Democrat candidates) for Bremer’s services that began shortly after Maryland State officials announced Bremer’s impending free agent status.

Arthur Bremer began his career in national politics in 1972 when, at 21, he shot candidate George Wallace, forcing Wallace to abandon his bid to become the Democrat Party presidential nominee. Wallace’s withdraw from the race caused the white supremacist wing of the Democrat party, headed by Senator Robert Byrd, to rally behind the leftist anti-war wing headed by candidate George McGovern. A bond that would span 35+ years was thus formed. While McGovern went on to be defeated in the general election, his winning the nomination was enough to dub Arthur Bremer a “king maker” in Democrat politics.

In describing Bremer’s role in the campaign, Mr. Wolfson explained that the Director of Personal Communications will be a "completely separate and distinct function" from Wolfson’s 'official' communications department. “Arthur will be in charge of unofficial communications; his responsibility will be to convey personal messages from the candidate”. Wolfson announced that “the creation of this new position and the addition of Arthur to Team Clinton will allow me to focus more on keeping the campaign on message. Arthur brings a unique and creative approach to this function. He’s a real straight shooter”. When pressed for further details, Wolfson deferred to Bremer, saying “You really need to get with Arthur on that, I can’t over emphasize that I will have absolutely no knowledge of the work that Arthur will be doing. Any personal messages Senator Clinton wants to convey --- say, to Senator Obama, or Kathleen Willey or even President Clinton --- will be handled by Arthur.”

Bremer is just the latest in creative hiring decisions made by the Clinton Campaign. Upon hearing of her husband’s refusal to authorize the release of spousal communications from the National Archives, the campaign brought on Sandy Berger to secure their release. Mr. Berger and Mr. Bremer will be sharing an office at the Susan McDougal Early Release Center & Day Spa near Capitol Hill.


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Homestead Air Base Attacker Part of Mysterious Group

Posted by Kilroy on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 11:31:38 AM
HOMESTEAD, FL – The assault had all of the earmarks of a terrorist attack. One lone attacker, Tahmeed Ahmad, wielding edged weapons and improvised explosive devices crafted from vodka bottles, carried out a midnight raid on the west gate of the Homestead Air Reserve Base. With the battle cry “Death to America”, Ahmad launched his plot to “kill American soldiers.” That attack was thwarted by vigilant guards and Ahmad was captured without injury. “Our security forces are well trained and responded appropriately” said base spokesman Lt. Col Tom Davis. Tragedy narrowly avoided.

But Ahmad was no ordinary terrorist, authorities believe. “This guy was not Al Qaeda -- this looks like the work of Aq Ademia”, said a source close to the investigation. Aq Ademia, the source explained, is a “loosely formed organization with no clear leadership structure but tenure and higher salaries are awarded to high achievers. Still they are just highly radicalized individuals bent on contributing to the destruction of America”.  Little is known about the group; their highest profile members include: University of South Florida at professor Sami al Arian (convicted of providing material support to Palestinian Islamic Jihad); Columbia University assistant professor Nicholas DeGenova, who has called for American troops to “meet a million Mogadishus” (in reference to the “Black Hawk Down” incident in Somalia during which 18 U.S. military personnel were killed. It is believed that the group has thousands of members in the United States.

At just 22 years old and having just begun his first year teaching math at Miami Central High School, Ahmad would have been considered a junior member of Aq Ademia. He had been recruited to teach by Miami-Dade schools. Ahmad also wanted to coach football. The FBI on Monday charged him with assaulting a U.S. government employee. A federal judge will decide Thursday whether he can be released pending trial.

“If he is freed, Ahmad will be reassigned away from children”, said a school spokesman. While it’s considered highly unusual for such a junior member to rise so quickly, Aq Ademia bylaws do provide for merit based recognition. Given his credentials and the spirit with which he carried out his plan, Ahmad would be a prime candidate for accelerated promotion into the university system, possibly into a presidency or department chair.



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What’s the Frequency, Randi?

Posted by Kilroy on Thursday, October 18, 2007 9:10:56 AM
NEW YORK – Air America radio host Randi Rhodes was seriously injured this week in a bizarre incident near her 39th Street and Park Avenue home. City residents were shocked as early reports indicated that Rhodes was physically assaulted by roving members of a “right-wing hate machine”. The panic quickly subsided though after forensic experts deduced that Rhodes actually caught the heel of her shoe in Air America’s ratings, causing her to twist her ankle and fall. Mayor Bloomberg calmed residents by further assuring them that “the perimeter is secure, and no conservatives are roaming the streets of New York City”


LONDON – Nobel Prize winning geneticist James Watson caused a stir throughout the scientific and civil rights communities this week when he announced that Africans are less intelligent than Westerners. Watson, is the head of Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, one of America’s leading scientific research institutions

The controversial remarks arose as Watson was speaking on the failure of the West to formulate effective policies when dealing with Africa. Watson claimed that “Western policies towards African countries were wrongly based on an assumption that black people were as clever as their white counterparts when testing suggested the contrary”.

Critics of Watson include the newly formed Equality and Human Rights Commission, which offered this effective two word refutation of Watson’s claims of western superiority: “Randi Rhodes”





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Philadelphia Braced For More Sectarian Violence

Posted by Kilroy on Friday, October 12, 2007 8:42:23 AM
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Not since 1977, “The Summer of Sam”, when serial killer David ‘Son of Sam’ Berkowitz paralyzed New York, has an American city been more in the grip of terror. Now, after two consecutive weekends of senseless fictional killings, another American city waits in dread for what Sunday will bring.

The first killing, a young girl stalked and ceremoniously stoned to death in a public park. A week later another young girl stabbed to death. For hardened Philadelphia Cold Case detectives Lilly Rush, Nick Vera and Scotty Valens the crimes were horrific. Less shocking were the perpetrators of those crimes: Young, Caucasian, and Christian. According to Detective Valens “it isn’t the first time Christians killed, and if I know CBS, it won’t be the last.”

Officials are cautious about calling these killings an organized effort. “We’re not saying this is a crime wave. We’re not saying these fictional crimes are related, but it is an awful coincidence when you have two seemingly unrelated crimes, two weeks in a row, committed by members of the same violently intolerant group. Frankly, we are concerned”, said detective Vera.

According to Detective Rush, when dealing with Christian ‘perps’, anything is possible. “Honestly we don’t know what to expect next. It could be Eagle Scouts poisoning the water supply or Cub Scouts with exploding Pinewood Derby cars. The possibilities are literally limited only by our own imagination. We don’t know the ‘what’, but we know where to look for the ‘who’”.

In the meantime citizens are encouraged to find a safe place until the weekend passes. “strip clubs, Mosques, crack houses, dark alleys -- and try to stay in groups. Safety is a matter of ‘situational awareness’. Know your surroundings. Stay away from chapels, bible school, choir practices, mass and, for Pete’s sake if you hear Latin just run like Hell,"  warned Detective Valens.

 
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Obama - Flag Pin Sends Wrong Signal

Posted by Kilroy on Friday, October 05, 2007 12:05:34 PM
WATERLOO, IA  - While on the campaign trail this week, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama shocked an audience of Move-On.org delegates by confessing that, prior to September 11, 2001 he did, in fact, on occasion wear an American flag lapel pin.  The gesture, explained Obama, was meaningless however, and in no way should be interpreted as some kind of expression of patriotism.

The admission came just days after of some embarrassing pre-911 pictures of Obama,  wearing the controversial attire, surfaced on the Internet.  Describing his rationale for wearing the flag Obama stated, "Prior to 'nine-eleven', I really didn't think twice about putting on that pin.  I always liked the look of the flag and thought the stripes had a slimming effect.  The red in the flag pin brought out my eyes and really enhanced my chocolate bronze  skin tone", Obama explained.  "It is unfortunate that," Obama continued "right after the attacks, the American flag was transformed, in the minds of many, from a mere fashion device to some kind of weird patriotic symbol".  

Obama promised the crowd that he has since stopped wearing the flag because of the wrong message the pin sent. "I want to reassure you all, and Mr. Soros personally, that there was no patriotic intent behind the flag and, to avoid the appearance of patriotism, I will no longer wear an American flag lapel pin", Obama said. 

The audience seemed receptive to the candidate's apology with one attendee saying "we've all had youthful indiscretions, this is really no different than that time Prince Harry wore the Nazi uniform to that party.  Sure, it was in bad taste, but no real harm was intended".   


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Jackson Endorses Obama - Dingle's Breathtaking Tax Idea

Posted by Kilroy on Sunday, September 30, 2007 7:12:45 PM
NEWS BRIEFS:

ELECTIONS: Jackson endorses Obama

“Civil” “Rights” “Activist” “The” “Reverend” Jesse Jackson has unexpectedly announced his endorsement of Barack Obama in the Democrat presidential primary. The endorsement was a surprise to many, coming less than a week after Jackson publicly questioned the authenticity of Obama’s “blackness”. Jackson also accused Obama of “acting too white.”

Obama, responded by calling the accusation “outrageous” and vowed that if Jackson continued discussing the issue then Obama would “bust a [expletive deleted] cap in that [expletive expletive deleted]”. 



Jackson immediately issued a press release explaining that the Obama response was "proof enough for me"  of his ethnicity and pledged his support for the Obama candidacy.


CAPITOL HILL: Congressman introduces breathtaking new tax policy

Declaring that “A fee on carbon emissions requires a tithe from all citizens”, U.S. Congressman John Dingle (D-MI) put forth a proposal that attempts to “reduce greenhouse gases and make the planet safe and healthy for future generations” by assessing a carbon tax for the amount of CO2 individuals put into the environment. An additional assessment will be made for taking oxygen out of the environment.

Under the proposed plan, each taxpayer would be assessed $.0003 for each exhalation and $.0001 for each inhalation. The tax is to be based on average respiratory activity over the anticipated lifespan of the individual and will be based on a “gender neutral”average of 15 breaths per minute for a lifespan of 77.7 years.  The   result would be about $3,153.60 per person, each year, from birth. Also under the Dingle plan, Individuals who attempt to avoid the tax by expiring prior to age 77.7 would be guilty of tax evasion and their estates subject to confiscation. 



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China and Mattel: New Spirit of Cooperation

Posted by Kilroy on Sunday, September 23, 2007 8:25:49 PM
BUSINESS DESK:

BEIJING -- In what the New York Times characterized as “an extraordinary move” American toy company Mattel, Inc has issued an apology to China for a recent spate of recalls.  Mattel recently pulled off of the shelves toys manufactured under the Mattel label that contained potentially harmful levels of lead. In the weeks following the discovery of the lead tainted toys, Mattel initially cast blame on the Chinese government-owned manufacturing process. Those accusations led to a series of closed door high level meetings between Mattel senior management and China. 


Closed door meetings led to dispute resolution.

Mattel executives emerged from the meetings with a new perspective of Chinese manufacturing guidelines,  issued a prompt apology for the misunderstanding and took full blame for the “design flaws”. In a joint press conference with Chinese product safety chief Li Changjiang, Mattel executives said “Mattel takes full responsibility for these recalls and apologizes personally to you, the Chinese people, and all of our customers who received the toys.” In design discussions, Mattel apparently neglected to specifically instruct China that parents prefer toys that do not result in the death or brain damage of their children.


Mattel executives emerge from talks to announce a "renewed spirit of cooperation" with China.

The official Chinese reaction expressed by Mr. Li was that “This shows that our cooperation is in the interests of Mattel, and both parties should value our cooperation. I really hope that Mattel can learn lessons and gain experience from these incidents and that future closed door meetings will not be necessary.” 

American Government officials and corporate leaders expressed appreciation for the Mattel apology and said they were "proud that Mattel showed the courage to come forward and confess to their crimes against the Chinese factory workers". 


American government and corporate leaders praise Mattel's courage.

Shares of Mattel (MAT) traded up Friday on the news of both the return of its senior management team, and the upcoming release of the newly designed “lead-free” Barbie model. 


Peoples Barbie 2008




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Poems from Guantanamo II

Posted by Kilroy on Thursday, September 13, 2007 9:33:24 AM
From the critically acclaimed writers of Poems From Guantanamo comes the much awaited Poems From Guantanamo II.

Twice the angst, twice the artistry, twice the rhymes!

If you liked Poems From Guantanamo, you’ll LOVE Poems Fom Guantanamo II

Here’s what critics wrote about the original Poems From Guantanamo

"At last Guantanamo has found its voice."--Gore Vidal

"Speaking as they can across barriers actual and figurative, translated into our American tongue, these voices in confinement implicitly call us to our principles and to our humanity. "-Robert Pinsky

"Poems from Guantanamo brings to light figures of concrete, individual humanity,against the fabric of cruelty woven by the 'war on terror.' -- Adrienne Rich

Now come these instant classics from "Poems II"


I wonder if I’ll ever see
The guy from that cell next to me
I tapped my toes and he tapped back
Just as a Marine Corp hack
Took him off to a distant cage
The price we pay for this war we wage
- Abu Abu Majid


Chicken on Thursdays
Again, there's too much saffron
Damn you, Gonzales!
- Adnan Amous


A cabbie drives in Tribecca
With dreams of a visit to Mecca
Into his cab climbs an infidel
With a bottle of Zinfindel
Should he drive her or just cut her neck-huh?
- Salim Ahmed Hamdan


My cell smells of dung
Like my home in Egypt but
Playstation 3 here!
- Khalid “the Gamer”


They were only fireworks
Jihad is for stupid jerks
I give my word, you can rely
They’re leftover from 4th of July
I swear I am a loyal American
Just ask my professor, Sami Al-Arian
- Yousef from Florida


With a “B”, it’s spelled “Obama”
I’m not related to “Osama”
And though my middle name Hussein be
That’s not a reason to detain me
Just tell me where you got the hint from
Are her initials ‘Hillary Clinton’?
- Barrack Hussein Obama (of the Chicago Obama’s)

And many many more!
This family favorite is sure to sell out fast. Reserve your copy today!


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Michigan Sacrifices Sen. Craig To Fashionable But Clumsy Seinfeld Fans

Posted by Kilroy on Thursday, September 06, 2007 2:33:05 PM
NEWS BRIEFS: 

ELECTIONS: The primary to end all primaries

In the ongoing battle between the states to become the most relevant player in the Presidential Primary Elections, Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm signed a bill into law moving Michigan’s presidential primary back to January 15 from February 5. This would make Michigan the first major presidential-primary state — ahead of New Hampshire.

In response to the Michigan maneuver, New Hampshire is considering legislation that pushes their presidential primaries for the years 2012, 2016, 2020, 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, 2040, 2044, 2048, 2052, 2056 to all occur on January 14th 2008. Straw polls show the early favorite for the 2056 Democrat nominee is the yet to be conceived grandchild of Bill and Hillary Clinton.


TRAVEL NEWS: Airline Sacrifices Two Goats to Sky God

In an effort to correct chronic problems with it’s aging fleet of Boeing 757 aircraft, officials from the state run Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats to the Hindu sky god, Akash Bhairab on Sunday.

A spokesman from the United States Department of Homeland Security laughed off the brutal practice saying “that’s nothing compared to what we do to the stupid sheep that fly commercial out of our airports”.


U.S. POLITICAL SCENE: Craig staying – officer gets the boot

Citing Supreme Court precedent, Idaho Senator Larry Craig is backing away from his earlier decision to resign his Senate seat and vows to fight to remain a U.S. Senator. “If there is anything we’ve learned from Roe v. Wade it’s that a girl has a right to change her mind, doesn’t she?” Craig said.

In a related story, the (decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual) police officer credited with the arrest of Senator Craig has reportedly been promoted from the Vice Squad to the Fashion Police, Shoe Division.


WAR ON TERROR: Terror Suspects Nabbed in Germany

Three suspected Islamic militants were arrested for allegedly plotting attacks on the Ramstein Air Base, German authorities said Wednesday. German prosecutor Monika Harms said the three had trained at terror camps in Pakistan and procured some 1,500 pounds of hydrogen peroxide, which can easily be combined with other material to make explosives.

Speaking up on behalf of the suspects, Ahmed Bedier, is executive director of the Tampa Florida chapter of the Council on American Islamic discounted the notion that the hydrogen peroxide was to be used for bombs and offered that the three alleged terrorists are “just an innocent bunch of accident prone kids with gingivitis”.


CELEB GOSSIP: Seinfeld creator, wife, split over energy policy

Comic genius Larry David and his environmental activist wife Laurie David have reportedly decided to end their 14 year marriage over irreconcilable differences in their personal energy policies that have caused an irreparable strain on their relationship. While the two are hush-hush over the details, Mrs. David has been overheard to say that while she “really need(s) the thrust of a Hemi, Larry can’t seem to get interested in anything other than a Hummer”. The split didn’t come as a surprise to many though, as rumors have been circulating for months that Laurie David has been pursuing “alternative sources of energy”.


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A Boy Named Hsu

Posted by Kilroy on Thursday, August 30, 2007 10:01:34 PM

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daddy reft home when I was three
Didn't reave much to ma and me
Just an old doner rist of wearthy Horwywood Jews.
Now, I don't brame him for hide and run
But the meanest thing that he ever done
Was to not teach Engrish to this fundraising boy named "Hsu”.

He must of thought that a big haha joke
And it got a rot of raughs from a' rot of foke,
It seem that I got hung up on my whore rife through.
I strugger for whire to raise a buck
And I wasn’t having rots of ruck
I decrare, rife wasn’t easy for this boy named "Hsu".

But I rearned rear fast and the money came in
Then I make a friends in the Democrat machine
Rike Obama, Crinton, Renderr and Kennedy
Pretty soon “Hsu” was a househord name
I courd hoard my head up high and without shame
‘Cause I was top fundraiser for the whore darn DNC.

But then they arr rearned of the investigation
Yes, I tried to terr ‘em it was a mis-transration
Even offered up another hundred grand or two
Now arr my donations they give away
And I am here in hiding untirr the day
When Hirrary give a pardon to this fundraising boy named “Hsu.” 



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Lock Me Up Before You Go Go …

Posted by Kilroy on Tuesday, August 28, 2007 10:52:34 PM
… 'cause I’m plannin' on goin' homo

Pocatello, ID – Pleading an error in judgment led him into entering a guilty plea for charges of disorderly conduct related to “inappropriate behavior”, United States Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) vehemently denied the factual allegations arising from a June 11th incident in the Minneapolis Airport in which he was accused of soliciting gay sex from a policeman acting in an undercover operation.



Allegedly Heterosexual Policeman                  Allegedly Homosexual Senator

The saga began early this summer when a decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual undercover police officer claimed to have shared an intimate moment with a conservative looking yet allegedly homosexual United States Senator. According to the police report, while waiting for a bathroom stall to become vacant, Senator Craig allegedly spotted the decidedly gay looking policeman through a crack in the stall. Once the adjoining stall became vacant, Craig allegedly occupied the stall and, using his luggage, began immediate construction of a border fence around his stall. Prior to completion of the barrier, the decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual police officer witnessed the conservative looking yet allegedly homosexual Senator “tapping his foot”. The officer, recalling his training and his days at the police academy, immediately recognized the tapping as an invitation to engage in sex.  The invitation thus extended, the officer quickly initiated a border crossing with the hopes of taking advantage of any potential amnesty offered prior to fence completion.  The officer alleges that his reward was the offer of employment performing a job that the Senator's wife refuses to do.  The Senator was promptly arrested. 

Senator Craig, wife at his side, today held a press conference denying the solicitation charges as well as the allegations that he is homosexual. “I am not gay, and never have been gay” declared the Senator. Craig went on to offer a different version of the event, claiming that, while “conducting Senate business” he was listening to his favorite George Michael mix on his I-Pod. Craig suggested that what the officer interpreted as flirtation was merely Craig’s natural reaction, as a Wham! aficionado, to this toe-tapper of a tune:

You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same

As further evidence of his innocence, Craig pointed out that  “Guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

While the legal aspects of Craig’s troubles seem to have ended with his guilty plea, his political troubles may be a long way from over. Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank has demanded a bi-cameral investigation into the matter of illicit gay bathroom sex and has vowed to “probe longer and harder than I’ve ever probed into the nations public restrooms".

For his part, Senator Craig claims to harbor no ill will against the decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual police officer, “However, time can never mend
the careless whisper of a good friend”, Craig said.


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Arizona Fends Off Threat to Children

Posted by Kilroy on Friday, August 24, 2007 11:20:03 AM
MESA, AZ — Officials in Chandler Arizona handed down a 3 day sentence for a 13-year-old boy whose “offensive drawing posed a threat to other children and the community”.


  Alleged drawing of school                                                                   Actual School

Officials, contending that the drawing (pictured above) is a depiction of Payne Junior High School, claim it is representative of a “pervasive danger that, everyday, causes real harm to the mental and physical well being of our children”. A spokesman for the Chandler district explained that “as everyone is aware, the single biggest threat to our children’s psychological development, financial security, and long term earning potential is exposure to the public education system. For this boy to so callously flash this drawing around is unconscionable” and that the drawing, while crude is “absolutely considered a threat”. 

There is some disagreement over the nature of the drawing with the boy’s parents claiming that the drawing was a harmless doodle depicting not a school but a gun, and that officials viewed the sketch at the wrong angle and overreacted.



Parents contend drawing is a gun.

The Chandler spokesman, disputing the claim that the drawing is a gun said, “It clearly is NOT a gun, the drawing did not show blood, bullets, or injuries. No, this drawing is clearly meant to depict a public school building. The public education system relegates hundreds of thousands, if not millions, to lives of illiteracy, misery and poverty every year, we simply cannot allow these offenses to go unpunished”.

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It's You And Me Forever, Sarah Smile. Won't You Smile A While For Me, Sarah.

Posted by Kilroy on Friday, August 10, 2007 7:19:29 AM

Minneapolis – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin briefly emerged from protective custody this week to deliver a much welcomed gift to the state of Minnesota.  That gift was the Gravina Island Bridge, otherwise known as the “Bridge to Nowhere”. “I am just happy that someone can finally put this thing to use”, quipped the wonderfully witty Sarah Palin, as she personally delivered the bridge before a crowd of awestruck onlookers.





Investigators with the National Transportation Safety Board have found that, unlike the luminescent Sarah Palin, potential flaws existed in the design of the ill-fated I-35 bridge (see below).  The bridge failure resulted in at least 8 fatalities, while Sarah Palin has given the miracle of life to 4 children:  Track, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. 



Her single handed restoration of the interstate highway system is sure to go a long way toward propelling the eminently qualified Sarah Palin right onto the 2008 presidential ticket.  Still, it was a feat that pales in comparison to her to heroic rescue of the Empire State Building from terrorist attack in 1993.





The groundswell of interest in her political future has recently forced Sarah Palin, selflessly, into seclusion so that she can carry out her important work on behalf of the blessed, albeit unworthy, Alaskan people. It was a decision that proved to be deeply disappointing to her loyal and devoted base.  Sarah’s Minnesota appearance was a delightfully unexpected break from that seclusion. When asked by this reporter if her adoring public could expect to see more of her in the future, Sarah Palin responded, “Oh no, not YOU again! Please leave me alone! 500 feet! The judge said 500 feet! Can’t you get that through your head?! Security! Security!” 

Look, up in the sky! Who is that woman with both grace and a sense of humor in the face of tragedy!  Why, it's future Vice President Sarah Palin! 

 

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Hello Mullah, Hello Fatah ...

Posted by Kilroy on Tuesday, August 07, 2007 7:42:26 PM
Greetings to One and All!

Yes, once again I take pen in hand to compose this little newsletter. Osama and I wish to thank all of you who have sent us cards and letters. We appreciate your greetings and the news contained in the letters and notes. Too often, the only news we get of your achievements is through news reports, obituaries, etc., so you can well imagine the joy we feel upon receiving your personal correspondence. Sadly, postal service being what it is, coupled with our tendency to move quite frequently, your letters do not always find us quickly. When the occasional postman does find us he must be immediately killed, so we are unable to send cards in return. This Newsletter will have to be our greetings to you. Still, keep those cards and letters coming!

Details, details, details …

Births: Since I’ve last written we’ve had a number of new additions to our extended family! I hope you’ll all join in welcoming these little ones into the world:

United Kingdom - Mohammed(s) #1 thru #5,991
France - Mohammed(s) #1 thru #4,735
Denmark - Mohammed(s) - #1 thru #2,735

Deaths: Let us cheer the passing into Allah’s grace those who have left us since my last letter: (Afghanistan, see Appendix A, pages 1-436; Iraq, see Appendix A, pages 735-2032).

But enough about the numbers!

I am pleased to report our successes on the battlefield! The jihad continues apace and it is reported that the infidels in Baqubah are drowning in the blood of our martyrs! Which reminds me, Osama asked me to pass along, that the bunion from which he suffered is finally beginning to heal, and that he thanks all of you for your Get Well cards. While he is glad to be rid of the pain, he was happy to suffer so for our cause and wishes all of you the best on your own paths to martyrdom. As we say, “we all have a part to play.”

I know you miss hearing from Osama and I shall try to persuade him to make some more videos for you.  Truth be told, he doesn’t communicate with me much more than you these days. Lately all it seems he does is come home from his walks, throw his sandals in the middle of the floor and sit in that chair for hours on end, occasionally grunting that he needs a drink. I can’t remember the last time he took me out for a nice dinner or even took notice of my new robes. But you don’t want to hear of my troubles. Besides, such is the life of the “empty nester” I guess.

You will all be happy to know that little Azzam has become quite the Independent Filmmaker and his videos continue to both delight, and be a key element in our war against America. As you know, the primary front in our battle is the American media and I have personally vowed to launch wave after wave of new videos that will overwhelm the American press and deprive Americans of what they most seem to desire from their news; the continuous coverage of car chases. The plan was working fine until I, quite frankly, ran out of things to say. Fortunately, Azzam loves the sound of his own voice and has filled the void! “Today Live Desk, tomorrow The O’Reilly Factor!” (inshallah).

For my part, I am so happy that Azzam finally has something to occupy his time. He was so lonely when all of his little friends graduated from the madrassa and moved to Appendix A. He truly seems to love his new calling in Vblogging and, now that Bree is dead he is bound and determined to win the the lead character slot in the next season of lonelygirl15.  Soon he'll be a YouTube star and we'll be able to say “I knew him when.”  Oh, and, OMG -- he's promised to bring Danielbeast by for dinner!

On another note:  We’ve been getting word lately that many of our soldiers have been arrested while in the embarrassing predicament of dressing in women’s clothing. I realize it’s hard to hide who we are.  I understand that old habits are hard to break.  And I know that “what happens in Tora Bora, stays in Tora Bora” but you are no longer in Afghanistan. All I ask for is a little patience. Within 5 years we’ll have completed our planned move into Israel and begin construction of "Atta Boys", our chain of San Francisco style bathhouses with a Mediterranean flair! You will be happy to know that I already have commitments from Speaker Pelosi for expansion into the Bay area.  Oh, and stay tuned to the LOGO channel for our upcoming series "Qaeda Eye for the Jihad Guy". 

Looking forward to the day when we will no longer have to suffer persecution at the hands of the intolerant Christian Crusaders.

Peace and hugz be upon you!

Ayman and Osama

 
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Major Business Expansion Announced

Posted by Kilroy on Friday, July 27, 2007 9:19:09 AM

BOULDER, CO -- P&GP, Inc, a Boulder based company, has announced the addition of a new member to its product distribution team in July.  According to Gina Piscapone, Sr.V.P of Human Resources for P&GP, Inc. “After a grueling recruiting and interviewing campaign, P&GP, Inc. has finally found the candidate with the perfect skill sets to help us on our path of continued growth. P&GP is proud to welcome Ward LeRoy Churchill to our team.”

P&GP, Inc. the parent company of the Little Paulie’s Pizza chain of local pizzerias, has 4 locations throughout metropolitan Boulder. Mr. Churchill will be operating out of the Broadway Street facility, near the University of Colorado, Boulder campus.

 

"Ward promises to be a tremendous asset to the team, especially at this time," said Piscapone. "With classes starting up in a few weeks, our business is poised to really take off. Ward’s extensive knowledge of the campus layout is sure to help trim our delivery times and really take our Broadway operation to the next level. We are very excited to have him with us.”

Prior to P&GP, Inc., Churchill was employed by the University of Colorado at Boulder as an Ethnic Studies Professor. During his tenure, he was able to bring a high level of authenticity to the Native American Studies department by pretending to be an actual Native American. In addition to his enthusiasm for adopting alternative identities, Churchill was widely popular for his research misconduct, plagiarism, fabrication and falsification of historical events, skills that will be keenly valuable in explaining away late delivery times and incorrect toppings to stoned college students.

Commenting on his new position, Churchill offered, “I am very excited to have this opportunity to continue to serve the student population of the University of Colorado.  The timing is just perfect and this position meshes wonderfully with my personal development goals.  Why just last week, I was catching reruns of “The Sopranos” on A&E and it occurred to me that I’ve always wanted to pretend to be Italian.” 

Piscapone explained that all new hires are subject to a 90 day probationary period. “I just can’t wait to ‘make my bones’ and really be a part of the Paulie’s family – in 90 days”, Churchill said.

 

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