Posted by
Kilroy on Thursday, April 09, 2009 12:11:46 PM
WASHINGTON – Taking the lead role in the negotiations to gain the freedom of captured ships Capt. Richard Phillips, President Obama has extended, on the behalf of a repentant nation, his most sincere apology for the United States historically shoddy treatment of pirates. “The United States has a long dark history of hanging, keelhauling and executing pirates”. Obama said. “No longer can this nation participate in the institutionalized and systematic ridicule of others. Pirates are typically those born, through no fault of their own, at the bottom of the economic ladder, forced into a life of cheap rum, eye patches, and squawking parrots”. Obama went on to characterize America’s tendency to profit at the expense of the pirate image as “arrogant and racist” and vowed to atone for our past mistakes.
In a press conference discussing his new national policy toward piracy, the president announced the resignations of Pittsburgh ACORNS (formerly Pirates) General Manager Neal Huntington, and Tampa Bay Community Organizers (formerly Buccaneers) Head Coach Raheem Morris. As a further act of contrition, Obama has promised to personally sponsor and guide the Somali pirates on an all expense paid visit to Disney World, featuring the newly refurbished Oppressed Peoples of the Caribbean attraction.