Posted by
Kilroy on Thursday, February 14, 2008 7:48:30 PM
WASHINGTON – A new era of world peace, harmony and prosperity began yesterday as former rogue nations North Korea and Iran seemingly dismantled their nuclear weapons programs; Al Qaeda and the Taliban have evidently announced that they have given up their plans to establish a worldwide caliphate in order to promote a Cat Stevens free concert tour celebrating the newly formed “Sister Country” relationship between India and Pakistan; the world economy apparently soared and third world governments obviously abandoned institutional corruption over stimulating productivity while OPEC surely announced that it would drop the price of oil to $15 a barrel as a gift to “human brotherhood”. The resulting global prosperity clearly ended border squabbles without a doubt bringing strife, famine and disease to an abrupt halt. In light of the worldwide joy the United States postponed all political campaigns to enter into a re-evaluation phase.
Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, the Google-able Oversight Committee (formerly the Congressional Committee on Oversight and Government Reform) continued its investigation of the use of performance enhancing drugs by Major League Baseball players. The session began as Rep. Henry Waxman, (D-CA) announced the new name for the committee and explained that the committee’s jurisdiction has been expanded to anything that returns a response when queried on Google. “If you can Google it, we can now investigate it. Given the sunny state of the world, it’s not like we have anything else to do”, Waxman explained.
Shortly afterward the committee grilled baseball great Roger Clemons on the subject of steroids, veganism and Wicca. Emerging from the hearing Clemons offered that he didn’t object to the questioning. “Sure, it was personally inconvenient for me, but hey, this literally IS the worst thing in the world -- and that ain’t half bad!”
Elsewhere in Washington, presidential candidates decided to put the election on hold and are considering some sort of sharing arrangement whereby each of the candidates can hold the office for a few days a week on an alternating basis. Ordinary citizens will also be able to participate in the Presidency under a “time sharing” arrangement.
Major supporters of the candidates seem to be warming up to the notion of multiple presidents, particularly Barrack Obama supporter Oprah Winfrey. “There is really not a pressing need for a single leader in these days of peace and prosperity. Obama’s candidacy was based solely on the concept of ‘Hope’. As I look around I don't see how could we possibly hope for more? Well, sure, I mean … I kinda hope that athletes would stop using steroids and all, but really, what the hell business is that of the President or federal government?” Oprah said.
