Posted by
Kilroy on Thursday, September 06, 2007 2:33:05 PM
NEWS BRIEFS:
ELECTIONS: The primary to end all primaries
In the ongoing battle between the states to become the most relevant player in the Presidential Primary Elections, Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm signed a bill into law moving Michigan’s presidential primary back to January 15 from February 5. This would make Michigan the first major presidential-primary state — ahead of New Hampshire.
In response to the Michigan maneuver, New Hampshire is considering legislation that pushes their presidential primaries for the years 2012, 2016, 2020, 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, 2040, 2044, 2048, 2052, 2056 to all occur on January 14th 2008. Straw polls show the early favorite for the 2056 Democrat nominee is the yet to be conceived grandchild of Bill and Hillary Clinton.
TRAVEL NEWS: Airline Sacrifices Two Goats to Sky God
In an effort to correct chronic problems with it’s aging fleet of Boeing 757 aircraft, officials from the state run Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats to the Hindu sky god, Akash Bhairab on Sunday.
A spokesman from the United States Department of Homeland Security laughed off the brutal practice saying “that’s nothing compared to what we do to the stupid sheep that fly commercial out of our airports”.
U.S. POLITICAL SCENE: Craig staying – officer gets the boot
Citing Supreme Court precedent, Idaho Senator Larry Craig is backing away from his earlier decision to resign his Senate seat and vows to fight to remain a U.S. Senator. “If there is anything we’ve learned from Roe v. Wade it’s that a girl has a right to change her mind, doesn’t she?” Craig said.
In a related story, the (decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual) police officer credited with the arrest of Senator Craig has reportedly been promoted from the Vice Squad to the Fashion Police, Shoe Division.
WAR ON TERROR: Terror Suspects Nabbed in Germany
Three suspected Islamic militants were arrested for allegedly plotting attacks on the Ramstein Air Base, German authorities said Wednesday. German prosecutor Monika Harms said the three had trained at terror camps in Pakistan and procured some 1,500 pounds of hydrogen peroxide, which can easily be combined with other material to make explosives.
Speaking up on behalf of the suspects, Ahmed Bedier, is executive director of the Tampa Florida chapter of the Council on American Islamic discounted the notion that the hydrogen peroxide was to be used for bombs and offered that the three alleged terrorists are “just an innocent bunch of accident prone kids with gingivitis”.
CELEB GOSSIP: Seinfeld creator, wife, split over energy policy
Comic genius Larry David and his environmental activist wife Laurie David have reportedly decided to end their 14 year marriage over irreconcilable differences in their personal energy policies that have caused an irreparable strain on their relationship. While the two are hush-hush over the details, Mrs. David has been overheard to say that while she “really need(s) the thrust of a Hemi, Larry can’t seem to get interested in anything other than a Hummer”. The split didn’t come as a surprise to many though, as rumors have been circulating for months that Laurie David has been pursuing “alternative sources of energy”.
