Posted by
Kilroy on Tuesday, June 19, 2007 8:22:08 PM
BREAKING NEWS:
NEW YORK – The New York City Department of Public Works has issued a “Code Red” emergency decree this evening ordering all Manhattan bathroom usage stopped immediately. The Unprecedented shut down came as a response to Mayor Michael “Mother” Bloomberg’s (U-NY) apparent decision to flush $500,000,000 of his own money down the toilet.
The Unelectable Bloomberg announced late this evening that he was formally changing his party affiliation from the Republican Party to the Unelectable Party, a move seen by most analysts as completely Unnecessary. The Unelectable Party last ran a candidate in 1992 when H. Ross Perot stopped up the sewer system in the entire southwestern United States. The resulting overflow swept Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton into the White House.
Bloomberg is famously known as the Mayor who banned trans-fats in all New York City restaurants, banned all indoor smoking in New York City, announced a plan requiring anyone driving into New York City to pay admission, and threatened to give anyone who opposed his rules a time out. Prior to his expected bid to run for the United States presidency, Bloomberg was favored to take the starring role in the Broadway stage production of the popular TV series Nanny 911.
Bloomberg’s status as an Unelectable candidate was officially recognized on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews when Matthews, characteristically, screamed obscenities at the audience before declaring Bloomberg’s candidacy the most exciting thing since his last electroshock therapy. The Matthews endorsement sealed Bloomberg’s fate.
Historically, the Unelectable Party has occasionally played the role of spoiler in presidential elections. As the Perot run siphoned off some votes from President George H.W. Bush, so could Bloomberg’s bid expect to siphon off votes from another candidate. While it is too early in the race to tell which candidate would be most adversely impacted, it is a certainty that voters attracted to a bossy, nagging, overbearing, shrill, New York pol who did not rally the city after the World Trade Center attacks would take a serious look at Bloomberg.
Whatever happens, New Yorkers can count on the NY Department of Public Works to Unclog the drains.
