Posted by
Kilroy on Friday, May 11, 2007 8:48:29 AM
NEWS BRIEFS –
JUAREZ, MEXICO - Osvaldo Aldrete Davila, the drug runner shot by Border Patrol agents while attempting to evade arrest for smuggling 700 pounds of marijuana into the U.S., has finally spoken out about the imprisonment of the agents convicted in the shooting, as well as his $5 million lawsuit against the United States Government. In an exclusive interview with The Kilroy Report, Davila offered that while the 10-12 year prison sentences the Border Patrol agents received was excessive, the $5 million he seeks is justified to cover his damages. “
They shattered my urethra and now I can’t get no R-E-S-P-E-C-T”, said Davila. In addition to his CD collection, also damaged in the shooting was a pair of fuzzy dice and a
little doggie in the back window with his head that goes up and down.
BENTONVILLE, AR – Retailing giant Walmart has announced the lowest monthly sales figures since the company’s opening some 27 years ago. While company officials did expect a turnaround in coming months, they also said that they may need to offer more incentives to get customers into their stores. “
It’s not like we can put a gun to their heads”, said a Walmart spokesman.
WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Treasury Department has announced that Federal revenue collections hit a record level in April – the highest since the government’s opening some 230 years ago. The U.S. Government is seen to be Walmart’s largest competitor for the consumer dollar. Officials credit confiscatory tax rates, niggling fees, and fear for the increased revenues. “
It helps that we can put a gun to their heads” said Treasury Department spokesman
Paul E. Walnuts.
COLUMBIA, SC – Federal prosecutors here arrested over a dozen, and charges are pending against others in what has been characterized as a “sham marriage ring”. "
The allegations are that this was a ring, a conspiracy, to engage in fraudulent marriages," said Assistant U.S. Attorney Kevin McDonald. "
They did not reside together as husband and wife, and had no intention of residing together," the indictment states. “
There is simply no room in the United States for sham marriages. Upon conviction of the charge of conspiracy, each person would face up to five years in prison or four to eight years in the White House”, McDonald said.
