Posted by
Kilroy on Monday, March 19, 2007 2:26:20 PM
SPECIAL REPORT:
WASHINGTON -- The testimony of CIA Operative Valerie Plame before an open session of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee was unexpectedly interrupted today when Committee Chairman Henry Waxman, (D-Misty Mountains) called the open session to recess and summoned Plame into a private closed door meeting. Sources close to the House investigation have provided The Kilroy Report with the following transcript of that secret meeting.
(BEGIN TRANSCRIPT)
Plame: Mr. Chairman, first of all I wish to thank you for bringing this meeting behind closed doors. Obviously, much damage has already been done in leaking my true identity. More publicity would only further damage my, or should I say, our mission, Mr. Chairman.
Chairman Waxman: Please, we begses you to calls us Henry and we will call you our preciousss. Preciousss will tells us about the stupid fat little hobbitses?
Plame: Certainly Henry, but first a little background would help in understanding the big picture. My agency has been tasked by uhhhh … let’s just say a greater power with the responsibility of securing knowledge concerning there whereabouts of a certain object. As you may be aware, our track record for securing reliable intelligence these past few decades hasn’t been exactly stellar. It was decided by higher-ups that a different approach was necessary.
Chairman Waxman: Yesss preciousss, beautiful presciousss, go on.
Plame: I was informed by my handler, Mr. White, that since most of our covert agents were known to the enemy, we would recruit a “stooge” to acquire what we needed. A perfect patsy who could recover what we needed without realizing his role. Once the target was identified, I was to get close to him. It was harder than we initially expected and it was finally determined that it would be necessary for me to “marry” the target. Of course, it was all a part of my cover.
Chairman Waxman: Tricksy fat little hobbitses doesn’t deserve our preciousesss. Plame: As I said, it was all part of being a covert operative. If I may continue: our plan was to send Joe out to find (redacted). Naturally, the agency couldn’t let him know about our plans for (redacted) or for whom we are working. The plan was to convince Joe that he was being sent on an adventure at the behest of “Mr. Gray”. We led him to believe that he was helping Vice Presid --- errrrr 'Mr. Gray' find and destroy it before it fell into “the wrong hands” --- our hands.
Chairman Waxman: We doesn’ts likes the Gray Wizards, does we, my preciousss? Plame: An understatement. To make a long story short, we send Joe out, he spends three days drinking mead and eating scones, and returns to say he didn’t find anything.
Chairman Waxman: Maybe the nasty and false hobbitses lies. It wants the object for itself it does. Sneaking! Sneaking! Pretty little fly. Why does he cry? Caught in a web. Soon he'll be... eaten.
Plame: Have you met Joe? He couldn't find his ascot with both hands. No, the whole operation was a bust, the years of building a cover, the “marriage”, all of it for nothing. I warned them not to send that idiot but do they listen to Junior Analysts? Nooooo!
Chairman Waxman: Yes, precious, false! They will cheat you, hurt you, LIE. Mustn’t go that way, mustn’t hurt the preciousss.
Plame: Well, the only good thing to come of it is that Mr. Gray found out our whole scheme and leaked it. Now Joe knows the marriage was a sham. Movers are coming this week to pack up my stuff.
Chairman Waxman: Then, then the hobbitses is gone? The preciousss can finally be ours? We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!
Plame: Oh Henry, you're so cute when you're angry. It must have been hard for you to be in the minority.
Chairman Waxman: They cursed us. They cursed us, and drove us away. And we wept, Precious, we wept to be so alone. And we forgot the taste of bread... the sound of trees... the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name. My Preciousss.
Plame: Oh Henry, you animal! Pick me up at 7:00? Dinner at Michel Richard Citronelle?
Chairman Waxman: How's their fish?
(END TRANSCRIPT)
